Menu Close
  • Clinical
    • In the Literature
    • Key Clinical Questions
    • Interpreting Diagnostic Tests
    • Coding Corner
    • Clinical
    • Clinical Guidelines
    • COVID-19
    • POCUS
  • Practice Management
    • Quality
    • Public Policy
    • How We Did It
    • Key Operational Question
    • Technology
    • Practice Management
  • Diversity
  • Career
    • Leadership
    • Education
    • Movers and Shakers
    • Career
    • Learning Portal
    • The Hospital Leader Blog
  • Pediatrics
  • HM Voices
    • Commentary
    • In Your Eyes
    • In Your Words
    • The Flipside
  • SHM Resources
    • Society of Hospital Medicine
    • Journal of Hospital Medicine
    • SHM Career Center
    • SHM Converge
    • Join SHM
    • Converge Coverage
    • SIG Spotlight
    • Chapter Spotlight
    • #JHM Chat
  • Industry Content
    • Patient Monitoring with Tech
An Official Publication of
  • Clinical
    • In the Literature
    • Key Clinical Questions
    • Interpreting Diagnostic Tests
    • Coding Corner
    • Clinical
    • Clinical Guidelines
    • COVID-19
    • POCUS
  • Practice Management
    • Quality
    • Public Policy
    • How We Did It
    • Key Operational Question
    • Technology
    • Practice Management
  • Diversity
  • Career
    • Leadership
    • Education
    • Movers and Shakers
    • Career
    • Learning Portal
    • The Hospital Leader Blog
  • Pediatrics
  • HM Voices
    • Commentary
    • In Your Eyes
    • In Your Words
    • The Flipside
  • SHM Resources
    • Society of Hospital Medicine
    • Journal of Hospital Medicine
    • SHM Career Center
    • SHM Converge
    • Join SHM
    • Converge Coverage
    • SIG Spotlight
    • Chapter Spotlight
    • #JHM Chat
  • Industry Content
    • Patient Monitoring with Tech

Newman’s Handy Dandy Admit Note

(Circle the appropriate answers.)

HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS

This (0-109)-year-old (Asian, Black, Caucasian, Aleutian, Venusian) (male, female, other) presents with a (1, 7, 100)-(second, minute, day, year, century) history of (pain, swelling, itching, enlargement) of the (arm, chest, scrotum, uvula, pineal gland). (She/He/It) rates it as (11, 12, 20) out of 10. It is aggravated by (breathing, thinking, hang gliding, vigorous dancing, ennui) and alleviated by (acetaminophen, chocolate, high-dose morphine).

PAST MEDICAL HISTORY

Diabetes, hypertension, pineal insufficiency, Kluver-Bucy syndrome, rectal prolapse, Chagas disease, visceral larval migrans, ichthyosis, all of the above

PAST SURGICAL HISTORY

  • Transplant of the (heart, kidney, pancreas, amygdala, pineal gland)
  • ORIF of (humerus, femur, rear axle)
  • Hemorrhoidectomy, cholecystectomy, pancreatectomy, cerumen removal, all of the above
Imaging: (CAT scan, PET scan, DOG scan, plain film, complex film, KUB, IVP, XYZ, molybdenum scan, Afghaniscan)—all suggest need for further imaging.

ALLERGIES

(Penicillin, sulfa, every known drug in existence except Demerol)

CURRENT MEDICATION

  • Insulin, metformin, Gila monster venom
  • Alpha blocker, calcium blocker, beta blocker, blocker blocker
  • Amoxicillin, “gorillacillin,” maggot extract, “mickeymycin”
  • SSRI, MAOI, TRIAD, ECT, DOA
  • (Thyroid, adrenal, pineal) gland extract

FAMILY HISTORY

Adopted, old age, some kind of cancer

SOCIAL HISTORY

  • Alcohol: (teetotaler, tippler, boozer, lush, no alcohol—only beer)—multiply by 10
  • Smoking: (never; three packs a day; not tobacco; old stogies I have found, short but not too big around)
  • Drugs: (Is this confidential?, Freon, whatever I can get my hands on)
  • Employment: (meter maid, sewer maintenance worker, JCAHO auditor, forensic proctologist, hospitologist)

REVIEW OF SYMPTOMS

  • (Chest pain, more chest pain, even more chest pain), (rectal, urinary, salivary) incontinence, (ears itch with urination, nose runs with defecation, small bugs crawling out of my skin), (short of breath, short of patience)
  • Stool is (sticky, floating, malodorous, frequent, shaped like the Statue of Liberty)
  • Double vision, tunnel vision, television, hyperacusis, hearing loss, could you repeat that?, halitosis, dysgeusia, dysphonia, “datphonia”
  • Abdominal (pain, cramping, crunches)

PHYSICAL EXAM

  • BP (0, 90, 140, 230, 290)/(0, 3, 90, 160)
  • Pulse (absent, irregularly irregularly irregular, tachycardic, tacky dresser) rate (0, 3, 84, 112, 190, 280)
  • Temperature (32.2, 36.8, 25 minutes at 450—baste often)
  • Normocephalic/atraumatic, bullet-headed, pointy-headed, hatchet in skull
  • Eyes (PERRLA, anisocoria, bloodshot, pinpoint dude)
  • Fundus exam (never can see them, cotton wool spots, cotton candy)
  • Ears (present, “hyperceruminic,” absent)
  • Mouth (macroglossia, foot in mouth, black hairy tongue, halitotic, skin of the teeth, wooden teeth)
  • Neck (supple without adenopathy, thick, multiple hickies, red)
  • Lungs (clear to auscultation and percussion—OK, I never really percussed; Velcro rales; egophonic; wheezy)
  • Heart (systolic, 5/6, even a medical student can hear) murmur (no, pericardial, aye there’s the) rub
  • Abdomen (scaphoid, pendulous, six-pack); bowel sounds (absent—was that you?)
  • Umbilicus (surgically absent, Sister Mary Joseph nodule, high lint content)
  • Extremities (extreme, all six present, night-clubbing)

NEURO EXAM

  • Reflexes (cremaster positive, anal wink intact)
  • Mentation (alert and oriented x3, catatonic, dogatonic)
  • Psychiatric (appropriate, psychotic, truly weird, bipolar, tripolar)
  • Skin (present, hideous thing growing on the patient’s face)

LABORATORY FINDINGS

Results of (CBC, ionized calcium, “citrulated ceruloplasmin,” complement levels, insult levels, saliva electrophoresis, urinary zinc level, melatonin level, and protein Q) all markedly abnormal.

  • 1

    Newman’s Handy Dandy Admit Note

    December 1, 2006

  • 1

    The First Catheterization

    December 1, 2006

  • 1

    In the Literature

    December 1, 2006

  • Protocol Pilot

    December 1, 2006

  • 1

    Focus on Family

    December 1, 2006

  • Why Do Hospitalist Programs Risk Failure?

    December 1, 2006

  • Smoking Out Meth Use

    December 1, 2006

  • X-Ray Has Left the Building

    December 1, 2006

  • Perilious Prescriptions

    December 1, 2006

  • 1

    An Intense Rash

    December 1, 2006

1 … 930 931 932 933 934 … 968
  • About The Hospitalist
  • Contact Us
  • The Editors
  • Editorial Board
  • Authors
  • Publishing Opportunities
  • Subscribe
  • Advertise
fa-facebookfa-linkedinfa-instagramfa-youtube-playfa-commentfa-envelopefa-rss
  • Copyright © 2025 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved, including rights for text and data mining and training of artificial technologies or similar technologies.
    ISSN 1553-085X
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms and Conditions
  • SHM’s DE&I Statement
  • Cookie Preferences